***Warning*** This post is full of real, honest, raw emotion. If that makes you uncomfortable please don't read.
I know its been quite awhile since I have blogged. And honestly, I've operated under the age old addage, if you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all. So I haven't said anything.
I will shorthand for you the events that have transpired since the middle of December. We moved, we didn't want to. We had a hard time finding a home we loved where we wanted to live. So we ended up living 15 minutes farther out than I'd like to. The house is nice, the neighborhood is nice, the location is just not ideal. And the timing was awful. We were supposed to have our homestudy in January and had to post pone it until we were settled in. There was a minor car accident. My phone broke, my laptop broke, and the absolute worst devastation was when we had to decide to cancel the Golf Outing.
This Golf Outing was originally scheduled for January 7. It was an event that I had worked at like a full time job for over 3 months at. We were fully sponsored. Everything was in place, prizes acquired. However, one after the other, golfers began to cancel. In fact I had 28 cancelations in 24 hour period. We were hoping this event would raise $5000 to bring us to the point of being a waiting family. Instead, we lost several hundred dollars.
I sank into a deep depression. I've never cried so much in my life. How could this happen? God, don't you care? I mean, you called us to this adoption. You promised you would take care of it. Why is all of this falling apart. Not only was I disappointed and disillusioned with God, but I began to feel that way about people. Don't you care? Don't you want to help? Don't you believe in the power of choosing life?
I was hurting and I felt alone. Really really alone. I withdrew from my circle of friends, withdrew from social networking, withdrew from any phone calls or text messages. Because, why bother. No one cares.
I monotonously went through my days which were filled with searching for houses. We saw over 50 in 25 days. It was exhausting. Finally found a house after losing 3 and began to pack boxes. I packed and cried and cried and packed. I was of no use to no one. In the car I would yell at God, don't you hear me?! Don't you see me?!
I remember saying to a friend who was trying to encourage me, I just need a little piece of good news.
But God, in his goodness, grace, and mercy WAS trying to speak to me. I just couldn't quit whining and yelling long enough to hear it. So when his voice didn't work, he sent it thru friends.
I would get random text messages from people who really didn't know what was going on. Saying things like, I felt pressed to pray for you today. I know God is working things out for you and your family. Or scriptures about God's goodness. Most of which, to be quite honest, I dismissed.
But then one day, a friend who I love to laugh but we don't have a ton of deep conversations together, text me that she could feel my depression and she felt urged to pray for me until it was gone. She said she was on the treadmill and was running for me. And that if I would let it go, the depression would be gone. I love this girl and this ministered deeply to me. God had already been working on me and I could tell this was the day I needed to make a change.
This was the day I would CHOOSE to get over my pity party and MOVE ON. And said that over and over that day. I CHOOSE to not be depressed. I CHOOSE the joy of the Lord. I WILL put on the garmet of praise. I WILL take off this cloak of heaviness.
It wasn't easy but I knew I couldn't stay like that. It was helping no one. In fact, it was hurting alot of people including myself.
That day was a turning point, that girl didn't know the details of what was going on. She just followed the prompting of the Lord and shared His good news with me.
It wasn't the good news I thought I was looking for, but it was His Good News. The message that there is a God who loves me. He wraps me in his arms. That is place the place where I'm changed. That is the place where I belong.
I just had to CHOOSE to go to that place.
And I'm so glad I did. This good news led me to more good news. Stay tuned for part 2! It's really good
