One More Stocking

It's Christmas time. The tree is up, the lights are on, and the kids are making their wishlists, which includes but is not limited to, American Girl dolls, barbies, dinosaur robots, trains, and video games.   As for my wishlist, I had but one Christmas wish...to be able to hang another stocking.  

Unfortunately, we have learned through our agency, there are no babies due before Christmas.  Which means, we will not have our baby by Christmas.  This was a hard to pill to swallow.  When we started this process 2 years ago, it was my deepest wish to be able to have our baby by the end of 2012.  I felt that to be a realistic time frame.  As the year draws to a close, I would absolutely be lying if I told you that disappointed was a complete understatement of my feelings on the matter.  I was crushed, and honestly, a little angry.  It did not help things when I unpacked the "faith gift" I bought for our little one last year.  I remember putting it in my cart and saying, "Surely, she will be here by next Christmas!"  I had a good long cry, and I may, or may not have, had a temper tantrum in my car after dropping the kids off at school.  

What is taking so long? What is wrong with our profile? What is wrong with us? When will she finally be here? 

I have cried and cried and cried. When I go to church, I just cry in worship and during the sermon.  And finally, one  Sunday, I realized the tears had stopped..  And what I saw when the tears stopped, is that I hadn't quit crying because I felt like it was hopeless, but I had stopped crying because I felt hope-full.  I had confidence, in the goodness of God, to bring our baby to us in his perfect timing. 

Anyone who has ever felt a call on their lives, knows that the distance between the call and the promise fulfilled can be a frustrating time. I will maybe never comprehend God's timing in all of this, but I do know his time has always been and will always be the right time.  

So I will close out this year without another stocking, but not discouraged.  I will have confidence in the One I put my hope in, that we will soon hold our baby and see a promise fulfilled.  

What are you hoping to see fulfilled this year?  Whatever it is, He sees you, He loves you, and cares about the things that concern you.  End this year hope-full!   

And the WINNER is.....

Abbey is going to pull the winning ticket

And the winner is ............Mari Canaan!   The Kindle Fire HD is on the way!

Thank you so much to everyone who participated! We appreciated each and every single one of you.  Some of you we don't even know. You were just a friend of a friend who chose to help us out and now you will forever be someone who helped us become a forever family with our future daughter.  You have truly blessed us in a deep way.  Thank you from the bottom of our hearts!

Love,
Jillian, Aaron, Abbey, Cole and AJ

Kindle Fire HD Ticket Purchase Confirmation

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for choosing to purchase a raffle ticket for the Kindle Fire HD.
We sold a total of 109 tickets! That is $1,090 raised for our adoption!!!!!!
Thank you thank you thank you for choosing to stand with us.  We anxiously wait for "the call" that says a birthmom has chosen us.

We are posting the following list so all ticket purchasers can have confidence that your ticket is in our raffle bowl and has been checked 3 times to verify.  The following are the names of ticket purchasers and the number of tickets purchased.  If you bought tickets in separate transactions, your name will be listed each time you made a trasaction.  We will be posting the winner tomorrow around 4pm. Good Luck

Every single one of you have contributed to us making a forever family with our one-day daughter.  I don't know when she will get here, but when she does you will know that YOU have helped make that happen!

Ehrinn Provitola -1
Leeann Gracia -1
Shelly Niedenthal -2
Siama Rodriguez -1
Justin McNeil -2

Rachel Fisher - 4

Athena Silver - 2

Gail Coe - 3

Gail Coe - 3

Cristal Lopez - 1

Louis Casale- 1 

Meagan Stephens -1

Angel Andrews -2

Ruby Sancruzado -1

Cassie Hendon -2

Joe Kenjic -2

Mary Tejada -1

Mike Hendon -6

Mary Calderon -1

Mary Calderon -1

Ehrinn Provitola -1

Jim Ramsey -1

Michael Flippo -3

Luke Anthony -2

Kelly Delgado -1

Mari Canaan -4

Sarah Viera -1

Linda Travelute -2

Joe Kenjic -1

Andy Baumruk -1

Terri Hendon -5

Brian Grzybowski -1

Elizabeth Johnson -2

Howard Cone -1

Jesse Hornback -3

Cindy Vasquez -2

Randy Owens -3

Cheryl Owens -1

Ed Lopez -2

Gloria Lopez -2

Lisa Basinger -1

Cassie Hendon -2

Nelly Keener -2

Lonita Giovannini -1

Madie Zilke -2

Amanda Harkema -1

Michelle Link -10

Mandy Miller -1

Tina Bogen -4

Hanna Flippo -2

Lee Wilson -4

Theresa Krause -2

If there are any questions in regards to your ticket purchase, please message me privately or contact me at jillian.s.lawson@gmail.com
God Bless You All

Garage Sales, Jewelry, and Kindle Fires, OH MY!

Is there any news? Nope just still waiting....waiting....waiting...  The waiting sucks, ya'll! There just isn't a nice way to put it.  But while we are waiting we still have about $14,000 to go in fund raising.  We have raised just over $9,200 from past donations and fund raisers.  And we are so thankful for all of it!

We keep a goal thermometer on the refrigerator to keep us focused.  Some recent fundraisers we have done lately is a garage sale and some jewelry sales.  Together those brought in about $400.  We have one final Garage Sale which actually is a community wide garage sale in Harmony next Saturday, October 13.

We are paid current, and a just a little over, of all of our charges with our adoption agency.  We only have 3 charges left to incur.  A Match fee of $2000, A placement fee of $10,900 and a finalization fee of $1500-$2500.

In order to help with our next fee, the Match fee of $2,000, we are having a Kindle Fire HD raffle.  We are selling tickets for $10 each.  We will only sell 200 tickets so your chances are good! Simply donate $10 thru our chipin page
For each $10 donated you will receive one (1) ticket.  We will place your name on a ticket and put it in our raffle bowl.  The last day to purchase a ticket will be Friday, October 26.
We will post a list of all ticket purchasers on Saturday, October 27 here on our blog so that way you can verify your ticket purchase has been recorded and your name is on a ticket that is in our raffle bowl.

On Sunday, October 28 we will announce our winner! The Kindle Fire will be shipped directly to your home.  Please share this with anyone you know.  You can be living ANYWHERE in the US to play!

Good Luck!

IF you do not see the Chip In widget above on your mobile device please click here

As a side note:  We are also applying for 3 grants from Called to Adopt, Both Hands, and Lifesong.

What is the Spirit of Adoption?

Consider this: The saving power of the entire population of Israel came through the adoption of Moses.

Consider this:  Esther was adopted by Mordecai. Through the counsel of her uncle, she understood her place as the queen "for such a time as this." Her adoption by Mordecai saved the Jewish people.

Consider this: The saving power of Jesus Christ has been brought to us through adoption.  Have you ever thought about the fact that Joseph adopted Jesus.  In fact, the geneology of Jesus is traced through Joseph's bloodline, not Mary.  

It was always God's plan to save humanity through adoption..

God himself has saved our souls through his perfect adoption plan.  Romans 8:15-17 says 15 For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.” 16 The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, 17 and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together.

Because we have been adopted God gives us this charge, James 1:27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

Why does he give us this charge? Why is this called true religion? Perhaps because orphans and widows are left without a covering, so they need protection and provision.  Without a parent, without a husband, these are like a house without a roof; vulnerable and exposed to the elements.  They are, OUR responsibility.

The enemy hates children.  He hates them because they represent future and a promise. Satan will destroy them one at a time, but he prefers the genocide.  He fears children, because he fears scripture.  He knows that if we "train up a child in the way that he should go, when he is old he will not depart from it." The enemy fears a father and mother that understand they are molding not just future leaders but future warriors of the Gospel.

And he hates it.

If we can be a parent to the parentless and train them to write it on their hearts, then the battleground will start to take on a different landscape.  And he is scared.

I read a quote that says: "America will not reject abortion until America SEES abortion." - Father Frank Pavone.  

I would add the church will not embrace adoption until they understand what is at stake.

The children are at stake.

The founders of the Zoe Foundation and authors of a book that challenged me "Spirit of Adoption: Winning the Battle for the Children": stated that.."Standing in front of the US Supreme Court, we chose to take the issue of the unborn before the throne of God...We felt the Lord began to challenge us as family...What would happen if abortion did end in America? What would happen to the 4,500 babies aborted each day if they were born? Would they be wanted? Would the church step up to the task of caring for the orphan, the cast off ones, the unwanted? The harder question was, would we?"

The children are at stake...Will you choose the Spirit of Adoption? Could you adopt? Could you support adoption? Could you pray against the ending of abortion in America?  Could you foster parent? Could you volunteer to be a mentor to the motherless and fatherless? Could you choose the Spirit of Adoption?

Missing

***quick update on the success of the Four the Win Family Health Care Golf Outing, full post to follow. We were able to raise close to $2000 that day and we are current to date on all our charges. We have a raised a total of just over $9000.

We are currently in the "waiting" stage of the process. All paperwork is signed, the homestudy is done, the profile book is done and we are waiting. We are waiting for the phone call that says, "YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN!" This means my phone is on my body at all times and everytime a 800 pops up or our case workers number shows on my screen I jump. So far it has just been, hey we are missing a form and would you be interested in renewing your warranty. Needless to say, those are not the calls we want.

Waiting has been hard. And although we have not technically been a waiting family for more than a couple of months, we have been on this journey for almost 2 years now. I have been "pregnant" almost as long as an elephant. I have cleaned and organized and cleared out space in closets. I have shopped for crib bedding and looked through name books. I have read parenting books and I am going to classes. In my garage is a bassinet and a car seat. I have nested.

 Waiting is hard. It is an ache that catches me off guard sometimes.

 It's hardest when we sit down to our 6 seater dining room table. I will be honest. Dinner time is not my most favorite time of the day. It is not a Norman Rockwell painting with us all smiling and exchanging deep parts of our souls. What it is, is chaos. 9 times out of 10 someone does not care for the dinner I created. There is usually negotiations about how many peas constitute a bite. Surely someone will spill their drink. No one wants their spaghetti the same way. I need more butter. Can I have more juice? No your shirt is not a napkin. Yes, you have to tell me something about your day. Sit on your chair the right way. Please don't talk with your mouth full. Honey, you have a noodle in your hair. But in the middle of all of that, my eyes will scan the room, I see their sweet faces and I feel a little sad. And not just because their is a saucy handprint on my shirt. But because, I know someone is missing. There is a perfect spot for a high chair and she isn't in it.

 Sometimes when we go to our community pool, this cute family with 4 kids is there and I feel that same "someone is missing" feeling.

 And again I have it a bedtime. When I tuck my sweeties in for the night at their bedtime and come back down the stairs, I know someone is missing snuggling in daddy's lap as she waits for her last feeding.

 Sure having our new little one will mean more spills at the dinner table and another bag to pack for the pool, and less sleep for mommy and daddy. But I can't wait!

 Someone recently said to me, "I can't wait until your baby gets here, I'm going to hold her all the time." And I said, "Well sure lady, if you can wrestle her from me! I've been waiting for her for so long, she may never learn to walk!"

Delusional Rantings of a Hopeful Adoptive Mom: The Profile Book Saga

Oh dear Lord! We have been through an orientation, a mountain of paperwork, a weekend class, and 3 homestudies. And I promise you the most taxing thing I have had to endure is the creation of our profile book.

What's a profile book, you ask? Short answer: the end of my sanity. Actual answer: It the book hopeful adoptive parents put together with pictures, and descriptions of their family life, and letters to the birth mom/family. No biggs, right? You couldn't be more wrong. This is the book birthmoms will look through to choose the family they will place their child with forever. This is the only way of introducing yourself to this woman who you hope will choose you.

Panic attack commence!

This started with me going through every digital picture we ever have ever. On my old Dell computer. Several times I considered throwing it straight out the window. But I can't because then I'll have nothing to put in our book.

As I desperately comb through what was easily thousands of photos to find the very essence of who we are, my panic attack turned into an identity crisis. Who are we? What do we want to say about ourself, our family?

Here are actual thoughts that went through my head while combing through photos to find just the right ones. I will tell you straight up before you read this list they sound completely crazy and irrational, albeit true thoughts I had. Pray y'all!

"Not everyone is smiling, they won't think we are happy."

"Not that picture that has the gereric trains in it. Where is the pics of him playing with the Thomas trains?"

"My hair looks too gray, she will think I am too old for a baby."

"Well Abbey and AJ look like they are having fun. Maybe I can crop Cole throwing a tantrum out of this one."

"That shirt has a stain on it. She will think I'm dirty." (BTW...this was a pic of the kids DYEING EASTER EGGS)

"Nope, mismatched jammies."

"Can't use pics of you completely in the ocean, she might think we are careless."

"Look at that mess in the background. I think its laundry. Discard."

"You look like you're rolling your eyes. Oh wait, you were. I thought it was funny. Maybe she won't appreciate sarcasm."

"I know this is supposed to look like you are brushing my hair back, but it actually looks like your about to hit me."

"That shirt I have on shows my fat roll. Next."

"We look entirely too white in this one. Where are the pics after we went to the beach?"

And these are just a few of thoughts that have went through my head in the last 18 days.

In all seriousness though, I have labored so tirelessly on this book, because this is it. For her. For our birthmom. And she deserves the very best we can give her, because that is what she is giving to us. Her best. And I couldn't be more grateful.

Good News: Part 2

So what changed following my stand to CHOOSE the joy of the Lord? Well, immediately...nothing. There wasn't magic fairy dust that fell on me, my hair on my arms didn't even stand up. But days of making the right choice, turned into weeks of making the right choice, turned into months of making the right choice. I quit crying, I unpacked my new house. I turned it into a home. I went to the park with my kids. I smiled. I laughed. I loved my husband more.

Nothing magical happened. But consistency in the good things began to overcome the dark things.

I got back into the Word like I know I am supposed to. Reading in Romans 10 I found this one morning: 13 For anyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. 14 But how can they call on him to save them unless they believe in him? and how can they believe in him if they have never heard about him? And how can they hear about him unless someone tells them? 15 And how will anyone go and tell them without being sent? That is what the scriptures mean when they say, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring the Good News!"

I gotta tell you I literally LOL'ed. And thought this: I am a complete idiot. This whole time, I've thought I just need a piece of good news. If I had some good news I could catch my breath and keep going. Uh, Hellooooo?? I've only been in church and ministry my whole life. I KNOW that Gospel means good news! I've had good news all along but apparently didn't think it was good enough. This is the ABSOLUTE best news. God loves me, he sent his son to die for me, I have eternal life. That's really all the good news I need.

So after I laughed at myself for a good 10 seconds, I did something I havent done it months which I am sure seems trivial but stick with me: I tweeted. I tweeted the words to a song my pastor wrote. and said this, It's a new day. I can feel it. Something beautiful is gonna happen.

Though I had been making great strides in my personal life to CHOOSE JOY I had not quite ventured back out to my social group yet. Did anyone notice I had taken a vacation from twitter and this was my declared moment back on the scene? No probably not. Did that matter? Absolutely not. My pity party was over and had been over for a couple months at this point. Twitter was just an outlet that morning for a declaration. Maybe for me to see, maybe for someone else to see. Either way I decided it was going to be a good day.

I prayed all the way to work that day with a new boldness. A release I hadn't had in a long time.

And I realized, I was truly happy, content. And it felt good.

Later that week, we were informed that someone wanted to donate $3500 to our adoption process. Wait, what?!!!! are you kidding me!!!??!! That amount would bring us current through the homestudy process. I was floored.

On that Monday, I was making a to do list, and on it was Call Agency to Schedule Homestudy. And you wanna know how sweet God is? The Agency called me! They didn't know we had the money in place. It was just God loving on me, saying, I see you, I hear you, I am taking care of you!

So here we are: 2 of the 4 homestudies are complete and we are moving right along.

I've never been more at peace with this adoption then I have been right now. All along I had a deep unspoken fear we would never reach the homestudy point. I have no fears. The Golf Outing is rescheduled for June 2 (more details to follow on that)

Supernatural good news turned into natural good news simply because God loves us! He cares about the details of our lives. And he is moving and orchestrating things to bring his will about it.

So you wanna know how long between my turning point and the homestudy news? A little more than 3 months. What if I had given up in 3 days and said, God I chose to let go the depression and now what? I wouldn't have seen this beautiful moment.

I encourage you if you are waiting for a little bit of Good News in your life, smile! It's inside the heart of every believer. Share the Good news with someone. Share it with yourself. Remind yourself of all the Good News his salvation gives you: abundant life, eternal salvation. He sees you, He hears you. Don't wait on a magic moment 30 seconds after a prayer and if it doesn't materialize give up.

Choose Life, His abundant Life, His Joy, His Peace, His Good News every single day and your miracle will happen.

Good News Part 1

***Warning*** This post is full of real, honest, raw emotion. If that makes you uncomfortable please don't read.

I know its been quite awhile since I have blogged. And honestly, I've operated under the age old addage, if you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all. So I haven't said anything.

I will shorthand for you the events that have transpired since the middle of December. We moved, we didn't want to. We had a hard time finding a home we loved where we wanted to live. So we ended up living 15 minutes farther out than I'd like to. The house is nice, the neighborhood is nice, the location is just not ideal. And the timing was awful. We were supposed to have our homestudy in January and had to post pone it until we were settled in. There was a minor car accident. My phone broke, my laptop broke, and the absolute worst devastation was when we had to decide to cancel the Golf Outing.

This Golf Outing was originally scheduled for January 7. It was an event that I had worked at like a full time job for over 3 months at. We were fully sponsored. Everything was in place, prizes acquired. However, one after the other, golfers began to cancel. In fact I had 28 cancelations in 24 hour period. We were hoping this event would raise $5000 to bring us to the point of being a waiting family. Instead, we lost several hundred dollars.

I sank into a deep depression. I've never cried so much in my life. How could this happen? God, don't you care? I mean, you called us to this adoption. You promised you would take care of it. Why is all of this falling apart. Not only was I disappointed and disillusioned with God, but I began to feel that way about people. Don't you care? Don't you want to help? Don't you believe in the power of choosing life?

I was hurting and I felt alone. Really really alone. I withdrew from my circle of friends, withdrew from social networking, withdrew from any phone calls or text messages. Because, why bother. No one cares.

I monotonously went through my days which were filled with searching for houses. We saw over 50 in 25 days. It was exhausting. Finally found a house after losing 3 and began to pack boxes. I packed and cried and cried and packed. I was of no use to no one. In the car I would yell at God, don't you hear me?! Don't you see me?!

I remember saying to a friend who was trying to encourage me, I just need a little piece of good news.

But God, in his goodness, grace, and mercy WAS trying to speak to me. I just couldn't quit whining and yelling long enough to hear it. So when his voice didn't work, he sent it thru friends.

I would get random text messages from people who really didn't know what was going on. Saying things like, I felt pressed to pray for you today. I know God is working things out for you and your family. Or scriptures about God's goodness. Most of which, to be quite honest, I dismissed.

But then one day, a friend who I love to laugh but we don't have a ton of deep conversations together, text me that she could feel my depression and she felt urged to pray for me until it was gone. She said she was on the treadmill and was running for me. And that if I would let it go, the depression would be gone. I love this girl and this ministered deeply to me. God had already been working on me and I could tell this was the day I needed to make a change.

This was the day I would CHOOSE to get over my pity party and MOVE ON. And said that over and over that day. I CHOOSE to not be depressed. I CHOOSE the joy of the Lord. I WILL put on the garmet of praise. I WILL take off this cloak of heaviness.

It wasn't easy but I knew I couldn't stay like that. It was helping no one. In fact, it was hurting alot of people including myself.

That day was a turning point, that girl didn't know the details of what was going on. She just followed the prompting of the Lord and shared His good news with me.

It wasn't the good news I thought I was looking for, but it was His Good News. The message that there is a God who loves me. He wraps me in his arms. That is place the place where I'm changed. That is the place where I belong.

I just had to CHOOSE to go to that place.

And I'm so glad I did. This good news led me to more good news. Stay tuned for part 2! It's really good