Tick Tock

It has been 377 days since our first homestudy appointment.

The wait has been so long.  Officially we have been waiting for almost a year.  It has now been 3 years since we made the decision to adopt.  The wait has been its own journey.  It began with an anxious and hopeful feeling, to just being anxious, to now it is just painful.

Waiting is hard.  Think of anything you have ever had to wait for in life.  Now times that feeling by floppity bajillion.  That is how hard it is to wait for your baby.

Sometimes, it is heartbreaking.  There is a deep part of me that is missing.  And it is the strangest feeling in the world to know that you have a baby coming but you have no idea if that baby even exists yet.  You love someone you are not even sure has even been conceived yet.  The wait is a heavy feeling.  So much hinges on this baby that may or may not be here yet.  Silly things like moving a bookcase to make more room.  Big things like should we stay in this house.  Every decision that comes along carries this addendum: unless the baby gets here before then. Every decision, big or small. Is that right? I don't know, but its a fact.  How do you make decisions based on the fact that someone is coming, but based on the fact you don't when?

I receive "advice" from time to time, such as, "you can't put your life on hold."  Ok....how do I NOT do that?

Because this particular type of wait is so very different I will try to relate it to you.

You are always at a red light and it never turns green.

It is always the night before your wedding, but never your wedding day.

You are 42 weeks pregnant every single day.

You are never not waiting for the pregnancy test lines to appear.

You get a phone call every day telling you your dream job is narrowed down between you and one other person, and they will let you know soon.  And they call you every day with that same line.

This is the un-ease that a waiting mom experiences.  So yeah...sometimes I'm non committal.  And sometimes I'm not excited about what is coming up.  And sometimes I'm angry because I'm so unsettled.  And sometimes I avoid questions because I don't know the answer.

The unknown is always a scary adventure.  But the unknown about how long the unknown will last...well sometimes that just an unbearable pain.

I wake up every morning thinking today could be the day we get the call.  That is a strange way to live.  And I will be thankful for the day when it is over.

So how long is too long to wait?  How long is too long to feel this pain and to feel like someone is missing?  How long is too long to look at an empty crib and imagine what she will look like?

Here is what I know...377 days is NOT too long. I will not give up hope on what I know to be truth.  We were called TO adoption and we are being sustained THRU adoption, and our prayers will be answered BY adoption.

God's promise is NEVER too long to wait for.  And it will be totally worth it. Every. Single. Time.

My cousin Cassie sent me this verse, and I cling to it every day, and I will on day 378...379...380...and on and on.

Romans 8 (The Message Version)

^22-25 All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it’s not only around us; it’s within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We’re also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.

^26-28 Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

What are you waiting for?
If HE said it, HE will do it. Don't quit waiting! 
I'm not!